introducing your dream literary agent

Do you have absolutely zero ideas for a book?

Or perhaps you just want to know how to properly use the little known literary trick, “ellipse-semi-colon style” (…;) properly in a sentence?

Then, here’s your man. But, fair warning: you probably don’t have the chops to get this dude to rep you.

help defeat "SOPA" H.R.3261

Non-writing related, however if H.R. 3261 does pass, it will most certainly effect the way you consume your media, books included.

While the Stop Online Piracy Act sounds like it might be a good thing, it really isn’t. It puts the ability to censor websites and their content in the hands of major corporations and the enforcement of such in the hands of third-party ISP’s, completely foregoing legal due-process for any who might be targeted.

You might think, well, if websites are guilty of piracy, then they should be shut down. The letter of this bill is so vague that benign sites like Twitter, FaceBook, Tumblr and hundreds of others would become targets. And let me remind you, a website does not have to be actually guilty of committing or abetting or facilitating piracy, it only has to be accused of it to effectively be shut down.

You might think, hey, I wouldn’t want someone getting a hold of my hard work for free, either. I agree. But guess what? This isn’t about you or me. This is about big companies squashing speech, innovation and development, or anything else that they view as a threat to their current market share. Really? Yes. And it happens all the time already, even with your favorite company Apple and your new world Jesus H. Christ, Steve Jobs. They already own the courts, friends, don’t let them start carving up the net.

Visit AmericanCensorship for more information on how you can add your voice to the growing list of Americans against H.R. 3261

Mad Libs

“I bet somebody makes a lot of money writing Mad Libs,” she said, brushing her rolled cigarette against her lips before taking a drag. “They’re probably fucking rolling in it.”

“I got these in the dollar bin,” I said. “I was just walking by and I saw them there and suddenly I wasn’t in San Francisco any more. I was back there. Back home — ya’ know? 2nd grade. 3rd grade. Somethin’ like that. Me and my sister, up way past our bedtimes, sprawled out on her bed listening to WAAL on her clock radio — which I wanted like anything because all I had was a stupid dinosaur clock with the T-Rex pointing out the time — giggling ourselves stupid.

She exhaled. Pulled her knees up to her chest and stretched her sweatshirt over them so that just her freckled feet stuck out.

“I wonder how much money they make, you think?”

i'm so sick of websites with comment sections for every pathetic spew of an article they publish

why the need to ruminate on every compartmentalized experience your imagination says you’ve gone through?

it’s one thing to be contemplative, another to worship your own narrow uniqueness, to let it dictate how you should be, and also how others should must accept you.

that’s a fucking deep-assed ditch you’ve dug there and now that you can’t see out of it you declare what tumbles around in your soul to be the only true way — and you’ve skimmed a lot of books to prove it.

name and catalog everything. then put that shit in its place because everybody knows that shit’s supposed to have a place — even if it is just a ditch to lie in.

Rafe Bartholomew interviews the Don

I’m gonna continue my recent posts theme of reposting Grantland articles. This is fast becoming one of my favorite websites. on the 60th anniversary of the “Shot Heard ‘Round the World” Rafe Bartholomew interviews Don DeLillo.

I love what Don says in regards to a question posed, Is writing a lot like sports?

When the work is going well, it can reach a level of spontaneity and unpredictability that is exhilarating — but it doesn’t make the writer (not this writer anyway) pound the tabletop. It’s an interior sense of satisfaction that’s often so fleeting it can’t be relived (or even remembered) when the writer revisits the page in a more critical mood the next day or six months later.

That really is the feeling of finishing something you’ve poured your soul into. You feel relieved, exhilarated, high, even, but there’s always this creeping sensation that you could’ve done better although often, you’re hard pressed to point to specifics.

Writing is a very lonely past time. I can’t put it any plainer than that. It’s you alone in a room for hours and hours and hours and hours until the hours become days which in turn become years. There are none of the social aspects or interactions you would get playing or attending sporting events. Plus, it doesn’t work well while chugging beers and talking over the asinine color commentary guy.

Sometimes you just gotta make a play

You’ve gotta assert your will on your opponent

They need to put some points on the board in a hurry

They need to get some stops on defense

He’s really in the zone

more Malcolm and the NBA

long time since i’ve posted, i know. been working my ass off on my book and that’s really and truly all i’ve thought about for the past month or so… that and sex.

but i read the follow up article to Malcolm Gladwell’s excellent Grantland piece and decided to repost the link here.

the NBA’s position in the lockout is baffling and pathetic. unfortunately, no one has taken the time to so eloquently and clearly lay out these facts as Mr. Gladwell has here.

should sports franchises be considered businesses?

Can’t make sense of the NFL or NBA lockout situations or their implications? You’re not alone. Hard caps. TV revenues. Guaranteed money. These are hardly the battle cries of a typical labor dispute.

Well, maybe that’s because pro sports franchises really aren’t you’re typical business. In fact Malcolm Gladwell argues: they aren’t really businesses at all.

Joe v. Volcano

This just ended up going viral over the weekend.

San Francisco writer, Joe Quirk, author of “Ultimate Rush,” an amped up delve into bike messenger culture as it happens on the streets of SF, recently found out a movie based almost entirely on his book was about to hit theaters — without his permission or foreknowledge. He now faces a long, uphill battle with Sony Pictures and the “screen writer” David Koepp, who allegedly got hold of the manuscript via CAA, both his and Quirk’s representative agency, and copped it as his own.

If a 13 year old illegally downloads a song, that’s theft. But if a Hollywood Media Empire steals an entire novel, eh, the case lacks merit.

Buk & Levis

This might be old news to some of you, but I just heard about this today. Apparently Levi’s has managed to marry Bukowski’s “The Laughing Heart” with a sixty second “film” — aka commercial designed to sell you cool. It’s playing on the pre-roll in theaters all over.

I love Levi’s. I only rock them. They fit my apple ass and big crotch. But, the only thing Buk has ever sold me on is that booze and bitterness don’t mix. What’s up with Levi’s trying to turn ardent counter-culture icons into a fucking marketing campaign anyway? Remember “Holiday in Cambodia?” For DOCKERS, no less.

What LAME writers say

what they say: “This is the manuscript that I workshopped”

what they mean: “I went to a place up in the mountains and had other people tell me how to write my book.”

what they say: “Wow. What a quirky novel.”

what they mean: This is a book written by someone middle aged and middle classed that doesn’t only contain marital dissatisfaction, dull ruminations on the past and a forced epiphany based on a myopic interpretation of events — this book also has a talking cat.

what they say: “Oh, well I got my M.F.A from ______________ University”

what they mean: This is how i wasted two years of my life: by learning to be ironic, copying successful writer’s styles, and learning to use complex sentences to tell a story that wouldn’t even be interesting after last call.